mood: fatigued, bored
so much has happened since i last did a journal... i honestly dont know where to start. i got a job on the 22nd i believe, but then caught covid so i couldn't start my training and nearly lost the job. i did get over it however! other than that i've been at school. i've been doing some introspection on myself since i've had so much free time and my chronic fatigue has been kicking my ass. i feel so bad for not having the energy to do anything, including updating the site. sigh. i hope you have all been well though!
mood: groggy, slightly peppy
so this is the start of my website! i'm actually really proud of myself, i've been working on this for hours now since i'm not going to school in the morning. i'm still not feeling well from my flu so i'm going back on monday. i'm not actually sure what to put here... i'm currently listening to vocaloid in a discord vc! having fun even though i know i'll feel like shit by the time the sun comes up. i know the cycle of how i feel will just continue and it kind of sucks to think about but such is my role as.. whatever creature i am. tomorrow's tasks are to (hopefully) sort my diary pages better, fix the format on some of my pages, and add in some more images and buttons maybe? as for now, i'll try to get some sleep. rest well, Wanderlings. :3
i havent updated in forever, i apologize. dealing with irl matters. i've been getting really sick because of my diet, i cant eat certain foods but sometimes it's all i have. im unable to absorb nutrients in result, and i'm running low on meds that my doctor wont refill. i'm seeing if i can go back soon. my mental health was not good. still isn't. i'm very sad, very stressed, actively psychotic, extremely dissociated, on-and-off suicidal. this entry may not make any sense im so incoherent. in better news, i finished my first semester with all As. completing my portfolio soon for colleges, i already applied to 2. i feel bad. im scared of life after high school. like what if i dont make it? i never found the girl who helped me during my panic attack, im convinced i saw an angel in the body of a teenager. customers at work are weirdly predatory sometimes. "how old are you? when do you get off?" i'm so sad. i'm blacking out entire days. i want to make it out of my hellish household, my stupid town. if i die i cant die here. if i jump off of a building, i want it to be off of my apartment in tokyo. i want to overdose on medications and sit in a beautiful place until my vision goes black. the real sad thing is that no one can get me out of here but myself. i won't have time to update on new years, so... happy new year.
nearly a month since i updated again. damn. well.. nothing's new. i work. i toss and turn trying to sleep. i cry. i repeat. mysta rias graduated some weeks ago.. he will be missed in nijien. i cannot find the girl who helped me during my panic attack. i guess you're never supposed to pursue angels after they help you. i went to homecoming last night, left early cause the power went out. im so tired though. my sister left home and i miss her. i want to curl up and die. i hate college applications. i hate school. i hate this putrid existence.
every day it gets harder and harder to update this, but i'm trying my best.
friday at lunch some kid came up to me and started interviewing me on christianity. trying to spread the gospel or something, but i didnt care. i dont like thinking about the afterlife, or death, or anything like that. it makes my chest tighten and my vision blur. he was very nice, but i dont like how he prayed to god to help me find my way if id like to repent. ive done my time with christianity, thanks.
on saturday i went to a company picnic at a theme park with my dad. i won a big pikachu and ate a ton of food. spend a bit of money but... it was fun. i didnt want to leave.
i also keep getting catcalled by customers at work. "my love" this, "hey mama" that... one dude even asked when i work next. i'm starting to not like it. i know no job is perfect, but.. i hate being a girl. i wanna die and be reincarnated as a boy. how i was supposed to be.
i cant find her. i need to find her.
i had such a bad day yesterday that i need to talk about it. for context, none of my teachers know that i am diagnosed with social and generalized anxiety. they just assume im quiet. anyways, yesterday my literature teacher wanted me to speak in class. fine, i'll get it over with and step out if i need to. i was talking, and an administrator came in and started messing with the lights. i just ignored it but i stepped out after i was done because i needed to cry. talking itself was already hard enough and i was shaken up, so i went to see my counselor. she was in a meeting so i calmed myself down in the bathroom until i was better. however, when i got back to class, my teacher stopped me and asked what was wrong, what happened, etc. i couldn't say a word. (situational mutism is a bitch.) i sort of stuttered out a "i dont know" and bolted out of the classroom, however my anxiety was spiking super bad and i started bawling. i tried calling both of my parents. my mom did not pick up (i expected this, she was at work), but my dad did, but the school has bad cell service so he couldnt understand me and i hung up out of frustration. i was pacing in the hallway, bouncing between my next class/bathroom/spot to get cell service. one girl came up to me and started rubbing my back. i didnt even know her but i started bawling. she was trying so hard to help me. after the bell rang i freaked out and ran back up to the counselor's office to try and see if she was done with her meeting, however my mom picked up. as i was trying to explain what happened (very annoyed and exasperated at this point), my counselor comes around the corner, sees me, and leads me into her office. she leaves me to calm down and my mom basically chewed me out. i felt like crap. i just kept saying "okay" until she was done. then i talked to my counselor about what happened and she said she'd email and talk to my teachers. i called my dad back and apologized to him, and then i went back to class. i wasn't fine until i got home. i'm still not fine. i feel guilty.
today i tried to look for the girl who helped me to thank her but i didn't see her. i want to be her friend but.. that seems desperate of me. "i want to be your friend because you saw me during a panic attack and didn't even know me but you consoled me anyways." ... i want to keep looking though. at the absolute least i need to say thank you. i wish i wasnt like this. shouldve killed myself before the school year started.
i fucking hate my mom.
first week of school was.. debateable. my teachers are fine. my classes are fine. i keep getting made fun of and ignored, but that's okay. i'm used to it and i expected it. i'm really tired though. i have two art classes, which is both overwhelming and sort of fun to look forward to. two different focuses, so i wont feel so burnt out of doing one thing over and over again hopefully. my literature teacher reads manga too, which made me happy. (right now he's reading vagabond and pluto, for those of you who are curious.) i told him about the plot and meaning of blue period, which he found fascinating and made me proud of myself. i'm a senior this year though, which means i have to start... deciding want i want to do after high school. i need to think about that some more. i'm conflicted.
hikikomori ganymede dies today. i go back to school tomorrow. in person. my eyes are getting misty as i type this. im scared. im terrified. im going to eat lunch alone. my shitty, styrofoam school lunch because my mom is too broke to buy even food for me. i tried to prepare as best as i could. charged my 3ds and my portable charger, i'll probably download some webtoons to read too. i might bring a book or my sketchbook.. might as well. i dont know what to wear yet. i bought a sailor moon hoodie on sale but i want to wear something more flattering. more "first day of school! its a fashion show!" type of outfit. i'll see. i'm going to miss my online friends. they know who they are. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to fake a personality in hopes of landing one friend. i don't want to go to bed at 10pm instead of 3am. ... i'm such a child.
edit: cried so hard i vomited on myself. wasn't a ton and was half saliva, but... i dont know. it was still gross. i'm pathetic and my mouth tastes like leftovers.
why am i bothering posting something here. this website is a trainwreck at best. i want to make it look better. i want to make something meaningful before i inevitably take my own life someday. but this is shit. this website, this cubby of neocities is just shit. i managed to create nothing out of something, or at least a sorry excuse of something. it's like i cant get it right no matter how hard i try. this stupid fucking jenga tower of a website. i wish i was dead so i didnt feel obligated to keep beating this dead horse.
late night existential crisis again. am i polyam or am i just greedy? i dont understand how im supposed to know. i dont have anyone i could ask. ... my vision is starting to blur with tears. i'll talk about something else. ummm i'm starting my new job soon. at a gas station. im scared. i dont like people or talking to them. hopefully i'll do okay. sigh. i dont want to live anymore. im so exhausted. i cant. i cant do this shit anymore.
finally doing another entry. um im kind of back to coding. idk, i was mostly bored. i have some things in person going on that i might touch on here. mental illness stuff is making me go days without remembering anything. im not eating much but tbh when do i ever. not like i can eat at my mom's house anyways, she never has food. it sounds like im starving. maybe i am, slowing. ill think of it as fasting for now. i might be getting a new job soon. and my license. im tired. im so tired. living is so exhausting. the abuse and mental issues and physical issues i have to go through every single day are wearing me down. i dont know what to do. ive tried so much. i just want it to stop.
i'm in such a fucking funk right now. i dont want to update the site, or play any games, or eat, or shower, or do anything. i havent showered in days. i can barely feed myself and take my meds. brushing my teeth is out of the question. my mood swings are getting bad and my room is trashed. my mom is breathing down my neck about this fucking job. get out of my head. i hate being around her. i wish i was dead so she'd stop. i want her to stop. i want everything to stop. i want out. out. out. out out outoutoutou tout outo out otu
i've hardly updated the site, which i feel bad about. it's really the only thing i have going for me this summer. in other words, i didn't get the job i wanted, which made me cry today. not out of sadness, just frustration. i need to make money for my phone bill. it has to be consistent too. maybe i'll redo my comm sheets and promote them some more. my art is so fucking ugly though. maybe i should go into cubism or some shit. i dont know... i should make some shrines to prevent myself from committing suicide or getting in my mom's line of sight. i hope i make it out of her house one day. i hope i'm happy one day.
removing the mood thingy for now. i hate my life. i'll never get out of this hellhole alive.
mood: -
i dont know if i can actually call myself a shut in. i go outside but its against my will and i usually try to leave as soon as possible and stay as close to home as possible. i know some people who dont even leave their rooms or their houses for years. i call myself a shut in because im quite literally socially inept and ive been indoors for the majority of my life. when i go out its to places like the grocery store. i dont talk to anyone, i do the least amount of interactions possible, and im usually one minor inconvience away from a panic attack. man. this whole shut-in shit might change this upcoming school year though.
mood: -
my tears are nice and hot and thick. i love feeling disposable so. so. so. so much. why does my single irl friend only talk to me when she wants to vent. you dont invite me out, or to prom, or anything. i see you post sooooo much with other people. am i only good enough to hear you vent? your sorry ass. i wish i could say this all to her face but i couldn't. i have to be nice. i have to. she's the only sorry excuse of a friend i have left. i'm crying more. i want to wail. i want to scream and howl and text her calling her a bitch and tell her just how much she's been leaving me behind. i can barely see straight i keep crying. why cant i stop. make it stop.
mood: full, migraine, irritated
just ate dinner. my site isn't meeting my expectations again.. i think i should step back. in other news, it's been a while since i did a journal. i quit my lousy ass job, although i'm looking for a new one. i want to be a nail tech. i have to do some course so i can get my license, so... i'll do that soon. i've been doing online school, but i think i'll have to go in person next semester. i'm scared. i hate in-person school, but my mom wants me to have a "normal" senior year. like i can even live a normal life. i know being a shut-in isn't the best idea, but i can't do anything else. i quit my shitty job and did online school because i can't function normally and i'll never be able to. it's sad, but i'll get over it. in less sad news, i want to go to some secondhand stores and hopefully buy some more books. collecting makes me happy.
i think this will be my last diary post of this year. some things have come up in therapy and i really, truly need to take time to myself. (i say that as if people reach out to me, haha/) i feel very ... lost. i think lost is the best way to describe it. maybe hopeless as well. i dont want to talk about it, just because it is a very sensitive topic and it has a lot of layers to it. but i need some space, i think. i'm tearing up as i type this just because of how distraught i am. the fact that my brain is fighting itself and me over disorders that i took no part in manifesting is probably one of the worst feelings ever. i am trapped here. but i don't want you all to be sorry for me, or something. this is just how it is for me. i have never, ever been able to properly eat, sleep, socialize, think, or be a person. and now it is starting to detrimentally fuck me over. i talked to my mom about whats going on, and she apologized (genuinely) for sheltering me and "doing me a disservice" by not letting me socialize on my own. its ironic how i crave attention so badly, and yet... i cant keep friends or make them. so.. yeah. i'm disappearing again i guess. i'm afraid i will become a shut-in again, maybe even going as far as shutting myself out of the social aspect of the internet. i dont know where to go from here, im tired, im burnt out, i want to die, i want to relapse, hence the break. i may be here playing with layouts or something, but nothing serious. all i ask is that you guys maybe keep me in your thoughts, if its not a hassle. i may be suicidal, but that doesnt mean i want to be forgotten.
so.. it's the week after my fashion show, and... it went fucking amazing. i don't think i'll reveal the brand i worked for, but the designer is once of the nicest people i've met, and i even got a picture with him. i'm posted on the brand's official instagram, i got a discount at the designer's booth.. it's literally a dream come true. i'm glad i can finally post something more lighthearted here. i keep looking at the posts, and the instagram stories, and i feel so... full inside. i used to have extremely bad stage fright, and i just fucking modeled for one of my favorite clothing brands. i hate to toot my own horn, but i'm very proud of myself, and i can't wait to do it again.
sighhhhhhh. i have been having trouble with.. everything. therapy triggered me so bad i've been dissociating and i think i've been hallucinating too. i can't distinguish dreams from reality. i do not feel like a person, or that i even exist at all. nor do i feel the urge to self harm or die... i am just letting everything pass me by. my mood swings are bad, and i'm getting reclusive again. my job is wearing me down to the bone. enough venting though... i've been playing a lot of video games. they keep me grounded, especially strategy-based ones. i'm also going to be in a fashion show in a little over a week.. i dont think i'll post the photos here, i need to think about it. i hope you're all well.
updating this because the rest of my page wont fucking work and i feel like a goddamn idiot. i was already mildly upset, because im dealing with mental health stuff im not sure what to do about, and now i feel worse. i want to do one meaningful fucking thing in my life, and i cant even get my damn page to work the way i want it to. im nothing. absolutely nothing. i hope one day i can actually do something that's worth a damn, instead of sitting in my room and living in my own head.
oh wow. hi everyone. i return from my pilgrimage to art school. it was... a lot. but i got all As, which hasn't happened in years. it was a beautiful campus too, and great teachers. there was some rough patches with my mental health buckling underneath me, and financial aid matters, but i'm home now. i don't think i learned much about myself yet. i didnt make any friends either, maybe because i was too focused on my studies. i really want to work on the site more. i know i always say that but i really do. i go back to work in a few days too... dreading it. but at the end of the year, i'll put my two weeks in and leave. im not sure where to go from here. my bpd has been flaring up really bad and so have my dissociative symptoms. i relapsed a bit ago and ended my 4 years of being clean. (my stance on regretting it is mixed...) i got a new therapist (again, i know), she's really nice and i think she wants to help me. i might start keeping a physical diary instead though, so if i slow down posting here then thats why. ... she says i qualify for dissociative identity disorder, but she wants me to record myself and journal for more symptom tracking. i have a lot to digest, but it's good to be back.
obligatory im-not-dead update. i was on a self discovery journey. half joking. i have genuinely been taking time to myself, especially since i leave for college in less than a month. ive also been preoccupied with that, so i apologize. its not cheap at all. ive also more recently been busy with putting together a document on a person that has been stalking and harassing me for over 2 years. (maybe i'll post it here?) its... extremely taxing mentally, because i have to go back and find screenshots of them telling me that i wont be missed and that theres bugs under my skin and that i'll never be able to be loved. but anyways, i am trying to be okay with being lonely now, and then get used to having friends in college. i am not someone whos had close friends or a lot of friends, and it scares me. i dont know how to act, and just "being myself" is vague. but at least i'll be able to present more androgynously, i hope. i dont have high hopes but im not dreading it either. im somewhere in the middle. blue period movie comes out tomorrow though wooooo. i still need to watch oshi no ko season 2, and tackle my list of books to read, but for right now im just hoping that everything will fall into place. i think i deserve good things.
wow holy shit. this one entry a month this is... whatever. a lot has happened. i graduated officially. noooooo more high school, fuck all of them honestly. it felt very anticlimactic, but i got free money and dinner so i cant complain. since then, ive been dicking around on video games. bought minecraft, modded my 3ds, emulated some games, the usual. my friends are fake so i dont have shit else to do but pretend to be a neet monday through friday. ive tried picking up a new hobby too, just so i can do something enriching while i wait to go to college. thats.. honestly it. im not an interesting person. i dont have an interesting life. hopefully i can get back into competitive rhythm games maybe, or back on this site.
so i finished high school a couple of days ago. very anticlimactic. i got my yearbook signed and just left. but now i feel depressed. forgotten about. people dont reach out to me or respond when i do. i think i'm doing something wrong. yes i'm socially stunted but i have socializing down to a formula to make up for that. but now... i have no one but my partner. i let go of a shitty friendgroup that kept demonizing my bpd. my phone is so empty and i keep crying. i really don't know what i'm doing wrong. i want friends too. i hardly feel like keeping this site alive but i have nothing better to do.
almost a month since my last entry, sorry. life is life-ing. things are falling into place (or not, in some cases) and time is moving. i went to prom in a limousine and drank sprite out of a champagne glass. i finally finished an anime for the first time in years. (oshi no ko... you have ruined me.) college is being put together, i submitted my deposit fee so now i cant backtrack and be a shut in. in good news, my antidepressants did not turn me into a lamppost. im still very sad, bedrotting, and crying when i have the time, but i cant bring myself to commit suicide anymore so i guess they're working? it less so "im fixed now" and more "i can talk myself into putting the pills away and just sleeping it off". the other day, i had an allergic reaction after trying a new monster so i took a benadryl and told my manager i needed to put a sick day in for the next day. i woke up after hours of my benadryl-induced coma, and... it was raining out, maybe 6 or 7am because i could tell from the deep blue color reflecting off of my blinds, and my candle radiating softly in my bedroom. and i almost cried. i want to wake up like that forever. it was so beautiful i thought i had died in my sleep and passed on. (but im here typing this, so...) i'm really just waiting on college now. ive been so burnt out i havent worked on the site in weeks but i should get around to that... if you're still here despite me posting once a month... thank you. i really mean it.
well. i haven't been on here for a while. tldr: im an adult now, i decided on college, i got put on antidepressants. so... today i am officially 18. its very.. bittersweet. i thought i was going to be dead. i went and bought lottery tickets to try and feel like an adult. requested some nsfw pages like the degenerate that i am. ate dessert. squinted at my screens like an old person. got birthday money. but i've been working and paying bills since i was 16. this is nothing. adulthood just means i can go to prison for longer and can now legally exploit myself for some sweet sweet cash. i cant even get alcohol in my country. anyways.., i chose my school. for college. my first choice waitlisted me, and it's too expensive anyways, so i picked the other art school i got accepted to. i got a scholarship too. but my stupid ass got rejected from both of the veterinary schools i applied to. like the dumbfuck i am. art is all im good at, really.. art and sex, but those two things are one in the same, no>? as for my antidepressants, i might lose my sparkle. become boring and lame. i hope i dont go numb and flat like the other meds made me do. i turned into a fucking vase holy shit. but i feel better about it now.. i am still very ill. i dont know what is going on with my stomach still, but i want to get better. i need to get better. ... happy birthday to me, right.?
happy valentine's day. i've been sick with covid (yes, again. this is the second time) since the 9th. it has not gotten any easier to deal with. i dont think my boyfriend wants to do anything for valentine's day today. he doesnt like many holidays and said valentine's isnt important to him. so... idk. i have some candy (just regular candy, no special heart shapes) so i think i'll eat that today. do nothing again. i've been sleeping and quarantining and i like this kind of routine. even though i know it wont last forever... who knew i had to get a highly contagious virus in order to get a real break from life. covid-19 is my date today.
what a year it has been.. i've been busy. i got my first college acceptance letter a few weeks ago. life is.. starting to move. it's weird. and scary. i have high hopes i will be able to go far far away from my hometown though... like a pretty butterfly. in other news... i will ask my therapist tomorrow if i can start medication again for my depression and anxiety. i was absent from school for three days because of how depressed i was. i havent been eating or doing much. (although i did have some very good pho last month... my favorite.) i'm trying really hard but its too much. pillmaxxing or whatever... my mental health is nosediving anyways. more private stuff but... things are occurring. scary things. i contemplated taking edibles for the first time. i am so overwhelmed by living... i want to taste freedom. i want to feel okay.
my first entry of 2024.. wow. i submitted my first college portfolio to my dream school. it's very nerve wracking, even though i know my art is good. im scared. i want to get in. i worked and cried and prayed and stressed and lost sleep for this. im applying to other colleges but.. its different. school now is fine i guess. its boring, im ready to be done. i think im going to work on the site soon.
site themes:
v1: byleth's web picnic (kidcore)
v2: the phosphosite (omori themed)
v3: the galaxy express 999 (sailor moon + scene themed)
v4: atelier (sailor moon theme remake/"sailor moon R")